I’ve been a Christian for the last 25 years of my life. A cultural Christian for 10 of those years and a sincerely devoted Christian for the last 15. I’ve taken and taught discipleship training courses and have subjected myself to loads of apologetics.
Most of the Christians I encounter and am friends with are humble and down to earth. However, when it comes to doubts most of them are pretty certain they’ve arrived. They know all the pat answers. They know the “Christianese”. So do I. Somehow that just doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I need more than that.
So I am embarking on a journey. I’m going my own way. Does that make me a lost sheep? Maybe so. I guess I’ll see where this road takes me. I’m fearful and excited all at the same time. I’ve always had questions and doubts and I’ve pressed them out of my mind reassuring myself with all the typical spiritual platitudes. I’m done with that. I need some answers now. I think it’s time to find out what life is really all about and to face my fears head on. I’ve been gullible to the maximum degree, taking the word of others for things that I should be researching for myself.
This journey actually started because I was trying to convince a new friend on the merits of Christianity. They seemed to be on the fence with a belief in God but not certain about Christ. This new friend asked me some difficult questions that I didn’t have the answer to. Saying that they weren’t certain about the inerrancy of the Bible sent me on a quest for extra-biblical references which I came up sorely lacking on. That was just the first step in me acknowledging I had doubts of my own. Then they asked me questions about creation. That was simple I told them. Happened just like it says in Genesis, right? Ummm…..turns out, maybe not so much. I know there are Christians who reconcile evolution or some sort of intelligent design with their faith. I’m not certain how to do that just yet. And then there are those who say….”just because we don’t know exactly who wrote the gospels doesn’t make them unreliable”. It certainly doesn’t lend to their reliability either.
I’ve gone into serious doubt about my faith, or more succinctly the object of my faith. It has caused depression, anxiety, panic attacks and fear of the unknown. My quest into this begs the question….are we there yet? I think I have many miles to go.