I’ve been a Christian for the last 25 years of my life. A cultural Christian for 10 of those years and a sincerely devoted Christian for the last 15. I’ve taken and taught discipleship training courses and have subjected myself to loads of apologetics.
Most of the Christians I encounter and am friends with are humble and down to earth. However, when it comes to doubts most of them are pretty certain they’ve arrived. They know all the pat answers. They know the “Christianese”. So do I. Somehow that just doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I need more than that.
So I am embarking on a journey. I’m going my own way. Does that make me a lost sheep? Maybe so. I guess I’ll see where this road takes me. I’m fearful and excited all at the same time. I’ve always had questions and doubts and I’ve pressed them out of my mind reassuring myself with all the typical spiritual platitudes. I’m done with that. I need some answers now. I think it’s time to find out what life is really all about and to face my fears head on. I’ve been gullible to the maximum degree, taking the word of others for things that I should be researching for myself.
This journey actually started because I was trying to convince a new friend on the merits of Christianity. They seemed to be on the fence with a belief in God but not certain about Christ. This new friend asked me some difficult questions that I didn’t have the answer to. Saying that they weren’t certain about the inerrancy of the Bible sent me on a quest for extra-biblical references which I came up sorely lacking on. That was just the first step in me acknowledging I had doubts of my own. Then they asked me questions about creation. That was simple I told them. Happened just like it says in Genesis, right? Ummm…..turns out, maybe not so much. I know there are Christians who reconcile evolution or some sort of intelligent design with their faith. I’m not certain how to do that just yet. And then there are those who say….”just because we don’t know exactly who wrote the gospels doesn’t make them unreliable”. It certainly doesn’t lend to their reliability either.
I’ve gone into serious doubt about my faith, or more succinctly the object of my faith. It has caused depression, anxiety, panic attacks and fear of the unknown. My quest into this begs the question….are we there yet? I think I have many miles to go.
Out From Under the Umbrella 
January 17, 2011 at 10:17 pm
Hey, thank you for visiting my blog. I will add you to my blogroll, so I can stay up to date with your ideological changes.All the best!
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January 17, 2011 at 10:29 pm
Welcome to the blogging world D'Ma. :-)There's a lot of us out here that understand….Zoe~
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January 18, 2011 at 1:48 am
Looking forward to reading more from you, D'Ma. You will find, that even though questioning your religious beliefs in your church may bring you isolation, just remember, there are scores of us here in the blogging world who have been there and done that. You will get plenty of understand here. Reading common stories from others that you can relate to, and conversing with them, really REALLY helps, no matter where you end up in your religious journey. Good Luck!
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January 18, 2011 at 1:36 pm
@exfundy:I've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now. I really like what you have to say and have found consolation there.@acomplicatedsalvationreborn:Thanks! I think I'm going to enjoy a creative outlet and have so enjoyed reading other blogs. I can relate to so much of what you've written.@HeIsSailing:I look forward to reading more of your experiences as well. Your trip to your wife's homeland looks very interesting. So much to learn, huh? I have already found a lot of comfort in reading the stories of others. It is so helpful to know you're not alone out there.
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January 18, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Welcome to blogging. Mind the hounds.If there are questions you have, feel free to post them and we could give you responses discovered in our journey. Then choose to take ‘em or leave ‘em.
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January 18, 2011 at 9:09 pm
I've been out of town for a week and haven't been able to participate in the conversation at DoOrDoNot's blog, but I wanted to encourage you to start a blog – and I see that you have already. I think blogging (and writing in general) is a good outlet to express doubt and a good antidote to the emotional turbulence it creates. I've found comfort in music as well.
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January 19, 2011 at 2:02 pm
@DagoodS:Thank you! I'm certain I'll have lots of questions. And with my newly found critically thinking skills I don't think I'll have trouble with the take 'em or leave 'em part. *grin*@Like a Child:I definitely needed a creative outlet to express my doubts and concerns. Some of my frustrations are certain to come out in this as well. I used to express all of that through prayer but as of late haven't been able to pray as I've begun to feel it's just words drifting off into space.
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January 23, 2011 at 9:39 pm
I do definately see similarities in the roads we're both traveling. It seems so crazy to think that losing one's faith or simply stopping long enough to acknowledge the doubts we have can cause such physical and emotional pain but it certainly can and does! The day I stopped to fully accept the doubt/disbelief in me my whole world fell apart. My identity had been so wrapped up in Christianity as well as my morals, and all ideas about what is right and wrong. All of that fell away and I found myself on the floor with no reference for up or down….so crazy…
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April 20, 2011 at 1:09 am
Welcome to the blogging world D'Ma. :-)There's a lot of us out here that understand….Zoe~
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April 20, 2011 at 1:09 am
Hey, thank you for visiting my blog. I will add you to my blogroll, so I can stay up to date with your ideological changes.All the best!
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May 17, 2014 at 12:45 pm
Wishing you all of the best Ruth. Was there and know how it feels. Letting go of those false beliefs takes guts and courage. Know you will win. 😀
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May 17, 2014 at 3:20 pm
Thanks, Sonel. I already feel like I did! 🙂
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May 17, 2014 at 4:23 pm
Very glad to hear that hon. 😀
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October 21, 2014 at 8:25 pm
I came here to see your first post and was amazed at how similarly our journeys started.
“I’m done with that. I need some answers now.”
Yep. For me it was watching the Ken Ham / Bill Nye creation debate. I watched it and decided I really needed to read about evolution for myself. It didn’t take long to find the truth – evolution happened. Then I started questioning everything else.
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October 22, 2014 at 9:05 am
For me it was watching the Ken Ham / Bill Nye creation debate.
For me it was an attempt to witness. Yep, I was witnessing when the questions became too much. I thought I had all the answers but I didn’t even know what the questions were. Smh…
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February 16, 2015 at 9:09 am
Mmmm, your exit from Fundy Xianity is very similar to mine Ruth. I am here to tell you that it DOES NOT get lonely or all messy when you step-out and begin your own beautiful journey! And I say that after my Fundy wife & mother of my two incredible children divorced me in 2002, made me a less-than part-time Dad by moving over 300 miles away with them! LOL 😛
Boy would we have a long chat over tea! HAH! 😉
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February 16, 2015 at 12:39 pm
Ouch! That had to hurt. But there’s nothing worse than being lonely when you’re surrounded by people. One is not the loneliest number. Not by a long shot!
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February 16, 2015 at 12:57 pm
Oh so true! I believe it is why most all major religions of the world, ironically, encourage a lengthy trek out into the/a “wilderness” alone; 5 days, 10 days, 40 days — 😉 — or in my case, two treks of 1,068 days and 1,780 days be it fasting, surviving, or single from any spouse or significant other. I discovered a plethora about my core self.
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August 21, 2015 at 9:25 am
Reblogged this on Out From Under the Umbrella and commented:
Reading through this post from Mike at My Omer of Manna and some re-posts from long-time blogging buddy Zoe at Secular Wings encouraged me to go back to the beginning of my own journey. This is where it all started.
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