Out From Under the Umbrella

playing in the rain

Maybe It’s All In My Head


I’ve had times when I felt really close to God.  You know those mystical experiences that transcend understanding.  A presence felt so deeply that it touched your very soul.  Moments while meditating on God’s word, singing along really loudly to a particularly meaningful hymn or praise and worship song, gazing at a magnificent sunset, standing at the edge of the ocean and peering into the vastness, or sitting fireside at a cabin in the hills of North Georgia in the fall where it looks as if God took an artist’s brush to create all the colors on the mountainside. Yes, I’ve had those moments of being in utter awe at how amazing the world around me is and how God could just speak all of this into being in six literal days just six thousand years ago. That was when I actually believed in a young earth.  I’ve felt God in the little things, looking for His hand at work in everything around me.

I’ve heard others who have had the same experiences.  They trust God with every aspect of their lives.  They throw up popcorn prayers for the perfect parking space at Wal-Mart on a Saturday.  Prayers of thanksgiving ensue when just the perfect one opens up after they’ve been driving around the parking lot for ten minutes looking for a space.  What do you know?  God really does care about the details of our lives.  Friends proclaim how the awesome God has helped them pull of the perfect wedding for their daughter.  Another who proclaims how God is good because he helped her to finish her college classes in just the way she planned to in the first place. 

Then one day it occurred to me that all of these things really were just coincidences. I opened my eyes to what’s really going on in the world around me.  Christian women and children are abused by the thousands at the hands of those claiming Christ themselves and in His name.  Non-Christian women and children equally abused under different guises.  There are people starving to death the world over.  There are persecutions against every religion, not just Christianity.  Orphans without mothers or fathers to care for them.

Ah yes, but God really does care more about that parking space than He does any of that.  The one entity who could orchestrate the healing of all of that is more concerned with my friend’s daughter’s perfect wedding dress.  I’ve wondered if God really does play favorites like that.  Being prostrate on your face before Him begging for things that you know to be His will only to be met with silence can cause a lot of doubt.  Somehow I doubt if God cares about the colors of bridesmaids dresses or parking spaces or what kind of car you’re parking in that space.  And I think we all know my friend worked her butt off to accomplish the goals she set for herself for her college classes. 

I’m not saying there isn’t a God.  But I’m beginning to believe just as an observation of the world around me that he isn’t all that interested in being a personal God.  A lot of people might come here and think that I’m just angry with God.  I’m not.  I’ve just opened my eyes to the possibility that the God I’ve been taught about, the God I thought I was serving, isn’t the real true God.  I’ve opened my eyes to the possibility that there could, in fact, not be a God.  Maybe all those warm, fuzzy feelings I’ve had when I’ve been in awe of the Almighty have really just all been in my head.

12 thoughts on “Maybe It’s All In My Head

  1. I'm having a hard time believing that God intervenes regularly too. I can't attribute every little thing to God either. Evolving in MonkeyTown by Rachel Held Evans is a good read that addresses this issue a bit. She describes her faith crisis and how she comes out of it. She holds on to her Christianity, but it looks much different from her initial conservative version.


  2. DoOrDoNot,I'm way behind on reading that book. Right now I'm reading 50 Reasons People Give For Believing in a God. I think I may pick up Evolving in MonkeyTown next. I want to read those resources you shared with me on your blog about hell. So many books to read, so little time to read them. 😦


  3. I feel you on this. What gets me is that so many Christians want to talk about how every good thing that happens to them is a blessing from God and every struggle is from the Devil. I don't think it's that simple and I guess I don't really know if I want to believe that God intervenes in the little things in our lives (if he intervenes…or even IS at all) – because that would mean that he chooses NOT to as well. And then how is this favoritism determined? And how does God decide whose side to take? Why do some loved ones get healed from illness and others don't? How come God would answer your friends prayer for a parking spot, and not mine??


  4. @Faithless,That's the conundrum for me as well. The thing is I'm not sure He gives two hoots about parking spaces. I'm having trouble with wrapping my mind around the idea that there's a God who wants our undying devotion and worship, but doesn't work in our lives in ways that reassure us of His presence. Maybe some people are comforted by parking spaces, I don't know. *shrug*


  5. Dma, I can't say enough good things about Rachel's book. I would probably suggest to read her book before any apologetics-like book….no matter where you end up in your journey, I think Rachel's book will give you some peace of mind and comfort in these lonely times.


  6. (and if you are at peace, it is easier to face the questions, and separate despair/anger/anxiety from the actual questions, and not let them feed of each other).


  7. Alternatively, it might be easier and quicker to read some of the stories at O Me of Little faith blog.


  8. Ruth, you’re asking all the right questions! In fact, as good teachers always encourage…NEVER stop asking questions! Never stop being a student! As a science teacher and social studies/history teacher — my two favorite subjects — during the times you feel you don’t have a critical “answer”…don’t stress yourself…it is only temporary. It only becomes eternal if you STOP asking questions! πŸ™‚

    Then, that’s when peace and contentment in simply “being” is unlocked and soothes like a drug that doesn’t exist on the streets or in pharmacy, or man-made — or is it man-made!? hehe πŸ˜‰


    • It felt dumb at first. As you know, when you travel in fundy circles any question that isn’t answered by, “The Bible says” is dumb.

      I’ve always lived by the philosophy that there aren’t any dumb questions, though. Only dumb people asking questions. :mrgreen:

      Liked by 1 person

      • Only dumb people asking questions.

        Well, genetically speaking there are (not so unfortunately) those people who have a different type of cerebral wiring, including the mentally & medically diagnosed with some sort of true disability — like I see in Special Ed. But I do get your meaning: sometimes common sense has vanished or been thrown away! LOL

        Perhaps the odd questions do not need immediate publication verbally…just in the mind. A favorite phrase I’ve discovered in education is…

        “Think twice, speak once.” πŸ™‚


        • I like it!

          I was absolutely not referring to anyone with an actual disability. There is a large swath of the population which remains willfully ignorant, asking questions like, “If we evolved from apes why are there still apes?” 😯

          Liked by 1 person

          • Bwahahaha! Exactly! And if hetersexuality is the ONLY true orientation, then why are there Bonobos!? Why are there so many various animal species who have many same-sex bonds til death!? πŸ˜‰ 😈


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s