The doubts of the existence of a God, much less the God of Christianity swirl in my mind constantly. Thinking about topics that I’ve previously given little or no thought to such as cosmology, evolution, archaeology, deep theology and listening to debates on the origin of the New Testament and the historicity of Jesus have left me in a fog.
Yet for some inexplicable reason I want to hold on to the naive notion that somehow that Christianity could all be true. I suppose for emotional reasons I want to preserve my child-like faith. But that seems almost impossible now. It’s like catching a glimpse of your parents putting the presents under the tree on Christmas morning and then trying to pretend you don’t know that they are really Santa Clause.
I’m yearning to pray to some unknown entity, yet the prayers I used to pray seem so hollow and pitiful now. I no longer even know where to begin.
Out From Under the Umbrella 
January 21, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Hi Dma,(I wrote this at Faith/less's blog as well, so you might get this twice)I'm glad you were able to connect with Faith/less. I was struck at the coincidence. DoOrDoNot and I are sort of "doubt" partners as well … kindred spirits. These kind of coincidences make me still wonder if Christianity is real, and keep me trekking forward.
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January 21, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Start simple.You still need to eat. Dress. Chores about. Do those.There is a great deal to be said for breathing. Taking a moment to breathe. In and out. Doesn’t hurt to take a five-minute moment and NOT worry about what to do next. Look outside, watch the world. Rest.Now…you have plenty of time. There is too much for you to learn it all; let alone learn it all at once! What interests you? What area would you like to study? Cosmology? Biology? Textual criticism? Swimming? How to play shuffleboard?Take a class on iTunes that interests you. Download it and listen when you drive.I could give you recommendations, but that would be what I am interested in—not you.Remember to breathe.Start simple
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January 21, 2011 at 8:57 pm
@LAC,Thank you for "introducing" me to Faith/less. I was struck by not only the coincidence of the timing of our blogs, but the content as well. I'm following her blog, she's following mine. It'll be interesting to see where we wind up.
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January 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm
@DagoodS,I needed that reminder to just breathe. I've told myself that over and over. There is so much to learn, not that I could possibly learn it all anyway. Just breathe, you don't have to know the answer today. But then it just eats at me and I can't let it go, like bulldog with a bone. 🙂 Hopefully I'm getting to a point where I'm more comfortable with the fact that I have doubts and they're not going away anytime soon. I thought I'd find a simple answer to all of my questions and the doubt would be resolved. Talk about gullible, right? *grin*Anyway, looking back over my post I think it came across a little more melodramatic than I intended. I've decided I have to get more organized with my thoughts and sort of pick one topic at a time to tackle(a little overwhelming though). Not sure which one just yet, but thought about doing the easy challenge(oxymoron) at Common Sense Atheism. I seriously need a reminder every now and then to use the KISS philosophy to life. I could complicate a two car funeral. *grin again*
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January 23, 2011 at 12:06 am
I was terrified that Christianity might be true! The reason I waited so long before examining it is that I wanted the possibility that our church elders were just wrong and didn't know what to do if they were unequivocally proven right.It is ok to live with doubt. The more you learn, the more you know that you don't know :)Right now I am at a place where I doubt any god's existence per se, but acknowledge that there is a possibility of something bigger out there. Universal consciousness, dark matter… I don't know and right now I don't need to. Of course, everyone is different. If there is a god, it can't be so petty as to eternally torment someone for not repeating some arbitrary 'facts' about it in your head and pretending that you don't have questions. Faith like that would just be an insult to the intelligence of such a being.Would you be ok to never know The Answer?
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January 23, 2011 at 6:44 pm
@prairie nymph,I guess to a certain degree I see where you're coming from. I feel much the same way. Terrified of the consequences for myself and others for not believing just the right thing. Part of me hopes for Christianity to not be true while another part, the emotional, wistful part wants the tradition and security of it. I'd say I'm leaning more toward agnosticism at the moment, peeling back the layers of what I've been so certain about. I'm beginning to be much more comfortable with not knowing, moreso than I thought I would be, which is a huge relief.
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