Out From Under the Umbrella

playing in the rain

Breaking Up is Hard to Do


*Part 7 in The Tour Guide Series. You can read Part 6 here.

We knew that wasn’t goodbye.  The only problem was figuring out how to have a long distance relationship and do it well.  Up until now we’d only done Yahoo!Messenger chat.  That was never going to do if we were going to continue this.  So I bought a webcam so we could talk to each other.  It’s free! Who knew?!?  And it’s pretty darned amazing.  Don’t get me wrong it’ll never be the same as being together, but at least we can see and hear each other.   

As soon as The Tour Guide got back to England we were planning when I would come to visit him.  I booked a flight for September which seemed like an eternity.  In between May and September we really did bond and get closer.  It may seem strange to some people, but a long distance relationship has it’s advantages.  If both people are transparent and completely honest it can be a relationship builder.  You can get to know the real person without the pressure of a physical relationship.  Talking and sharing is all you have.  We’ve pretty much shared every thought and emotion.  There have been good times and bad times, scary times and excited times.

The connection we both felt was so strong it wasn’t long before we were talking marriage and The Tour Guide asked me to marry him.  I was so in love and so happy that I said yes.  We began planning how we were going to make this happen.  We paid a retainer to an immigration attorney and began gathering the paperwork to file for a fiance visa.

That’s when it happened.  I had a major meltdown.  My cognitive dissonance started to kick in.  I’d been witnessing to The Tour Guide this whole time.  I’d been telling him how great Jesus is and debating with him the merits of creationism.  That’s when he began to ask me the questions, unknown to him, that altered my faith forever.  That’s when I began to really research divorce and remarriage.   There were so many interpretations and I couldn’t figure out which one was right.  So I broke off our engagement.  It was all moving too fast and I had too many unresolved issues. I devastated him. 

I began to frantically search for the answers to the questions that now haunted me.  Questions of creationism vs. evolution.  Questions of the historicity of Jesus.  Things I’d never even questioned before.  All because of one little question.  All because of one big statement.  “I’d like to believe in Jesus.  If someone could knock on my door right now and show me some kind of proof, any proof that Jesus was the Messiah, I’d believe.  But they can’t. I believe Jesus was a prophet, a teacher.  But the son of God?  Born of a Virgin?  How does that work?  There’s no evidence outside of the Bible.”  I truly believed there was.  I was on a mission to prove it to The Tour Guide.  But the more I searched the more questions I had.  That was not The Tour Guide’s intent.  He admired and respected my faith.  I think he honestly hoped I had some answers because my faith was so strong.  And it all came tumbling down.  I felt like a big fake.  Was I really living what I preached?  No.  Sadly, I didn’t feel that I was. 

We continued in our relationship and I went to visit him in September.  We had a fantastic time as evidenced by the pictures we took and the places we went. I met his parents, his sister and brother-in-law and his two beautiful daughters.  We had an instant rapport. His family is eclectic and beautiful.  He showed me a fabulous time and I fell even more in love with the man who was strong enough to handle all my questions – who didn’t run out on me when I was at my worst and my weakest.  I gave him ample enough reason to walk away and never look back.  This all scared me half to death.

I flew back to the States with a knot in my stomach, not wanting to leave and knowing I couldn’t stay. I didn’t know how to handle any of it.  What was I going to do?  I couldn’t keep this loving, kind, beautiful person in limbo while I searched for my answers.  I felt I had no choice but to end our relationship.  And so, as hard as it was, that is what I did, promising to remain loyal friends.


10 thoughts on “Breaking Up is Hard to Do

  1. Wait, wait… I feel it… the Power of the Lord is descending upon me… I have a prediction… I think he waited. Or is waiting. I'm betting he did his best to give you the space to work out what you needed to work out, but he didn't walk away entirely. Tell me I'm right. (Please?)


  2. you really enjoy writing these cliff hangers don't you? Next post, please!


  3. Wow, I don't know what to say, other than so brave of you to come out with all this.


  4. Reiterating DoOrDoNot.Sorry I haven’t had time to comment—but each episode ends with us on the edge of our seat. If you wrote for a television series, I would probably start watching Television again, just for your show.Next blog entry, please….


  5. So, what ultimately happened? We are all on the age of our seats. Maybe you should consider a career in writing. :)Have you explored the writings of the early church fathers concerning Christ apart from Scripture, but based in the apostolic witness?Here is an example.Ignatius and PolycarpTwo of the earliest Church Fathers, Polycarp and Ignatius taught the deity of Christ. The early Church father, Irenaeus (circa AD 120-190) wrote that Polycarp was "instructed" and "appointed" by the apostles, "conversed with many who had seen Christ," "having always taught the things which he had learned from the apostles,"[2] "the accounts which he gave of his intercourse with John and with the others who had seen the Lord. And as he remembered their words, and what he heard from them concerning the Lord, and concerning his miracles and his teaching, having received them from eyewitnesses of the ‘Word of life’."[3] So his view of Jesus is very important. In The Letter of Polycarp to the Philippians, he mentions "the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ" and "our Lord and God Jesus Christ."[4] Now may the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the eternal High Priest himself, the Son of God Jesus Christ, build you up in faith and truth and in all gentleness and in all freedom from anger and forbearance and steadfastness and patient endurance and purity, and may he give to you a share and a place among his saints, and to us with you, and to all those under heaven who will yet believe in our Lord and God Jesus Christ and in his Father who raised him from the dead.Thus, Polycarp agrees with the teachings of the apostles that Jesus is God.[5] There are also secular sources of the time which speak of the belief of the Christians.But, D'Ma, it's always a question of how much evidence is sufficient, and whether we should accept this testimony?Ultimately, Christian belief does involve faith because none of us have lived in ancient times to observe these things with our own eyes.Hope it was ok to post this, D'Ma. Definitely don't want to seem to lecture, or cause offense.BTW, I"m rooting for the tour guide. He sounds like a really good guy.Becky.


  6. @MM,Nah, it's not the Power of the Lord you feel, it's just gas. LOL!================================================@DoOrDoNot,I don't intend for them to be cliff hangers, they just seem like appropriate places to stop. ;)===============================================@TWF,Me too. :-(===============================================@limey,Thanks. It doesn't feel so much like bravery as it does good therapy. I had a good cry by the time I finished this post. Just remembering all of that makes me appreciate The Tour Guide all the more.===============================================@DagoodS,You really think so? You don't have any connections in showbiz do you?!? 😉 Seriously, thanks for reading along and offering encouragement. You really have a gift for that. ===============================================@Becky,The Tour Guide is a great guy! Now as for that evidence you speak of. No offense taken with your comment, but it's going to take a pretty good bit of evidence at this point. I've lost a lot of trust in our ability to know what is reliable and what isn't. I will check out those resources, though.


  7. This is like reading a good book, except I can't finish it all in one night! I have to wait.


  8. You've got to give Becky an A for effort, eh? lol


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s