Decisions are a part of life. We make them everyday. Mostly little decisions, like what to have for breakfast or what we’ll wear to work. Lately I’ve been facing some pretty big decisions.
This is where I’d pray before, where I’d search for God’s hand in every little detail. I’d take this thing to be a sign I should do that. I’d take that thing as a sign I should do this. I’d beg for Him to show me what He wanted me to do. I’d deliberate over scriptures and circumstances to draw a conclusion I thought best matched a Godly decision.
As confusing as all that was I found comfort in it. I’m not sure how I ever thought I knew what God wanted me to do, but somehow I was certain I did. Feeling like I was doing God’s will gave me safety. Even if things didn’t work out, even if they turned out to be a total mess, I could always say I thought I was doing what I felt led to do. If it was God’s will then whatever the outcome was what was supposed to be. Not only that, but God would turn it all for good because I loved Him. For God works all things together for good for those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been a little tempted to pray. Only a little. I don’t really think there’s a personal God up there pulling the strings of my life, orchestrating it’s minutest details. My friend keeps saying things like, “God loves you and He knows what the outcomes will be even before you do. He knows what you need.” I don’t even have the heart to tell her I don’t believe that. Even if there is a God I don’t believe He operates that way. If there is a God, which I have doubts about, He just spun this whole thing in motion and walked away.
I have a loving support system around me but still sometimes without a personal God who’s working it all together for my good it feels like I’m out here on my own, walking the tightrope without a net. And it’s a long way down. They can give me advice and opinions, but they can’t make decisions for me. Not the way I used to think God did. In a lot of ways it’s better this way, even if it is scary.