Out From Under the Umbrella

playing in the rain

Let Me Tell You a Secret

35 Comments

I’m fairly introverted.  Most people don’t hear a lot about my personal life.  I can easily connect with people on a superficial level, talk about the weather, and I love to hear their stories.  I want to know what makes a person who they are. On the other hand, I don’t give that information out so readily in person.  I’ve written a fair amount about the personal, intimate details of my life here somewhat anonymously.  Things that are difficult for me to say out loud I’m far more comfortable putting down on paper.

My best friend knows I’m quirky, all my deep, dark secrets, that I’m a morning person and he’s not, that I’m grouchy and stupid when I’m tired, that I’m stubborn as a mule, that I can be annoying when he’s tired. I want to talk when he wants to be quiet.  I want to be quiet when he wants to talk. I really can be kind of a pain in the ass.  He knows what I look like with morning hair and no make-up and that I dress like a hobo when I’m bumming around on Saturday.

He works hard, long hours but he also knows how to let his hair down and have a good time.  He’s genuine and real.  He has flaws and quirks of his own and doesn’t mind saying so.  He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s handsome, and he’s sexy as hell.  He’s strong and he’s weak. He’s gentle and rough. He teaches me things about myself and challenges my thinking.  He’s changed me in ways he can’t possibly know without even trying to.  He has no idea that when he took that tiny spider outside instead of squashing it, like I would have, it made me love him more. I watch him when he’s concentrating really hard and he purses his lips and has to hold his mouth just right.  It’s unconscious  to him and adorable to me.  He lifts me up and supports me in everything I do, always encouraging along the way.

There’s a saying that the only three things a man should want to change about a woman is her last name, address, and her viewpoint on men.  Two out of three ain’t bad.  You see, I get to be married to my best friend.  He knows all my faults and foibles and loves me anyway.  To be fully known and loved anyway is to be fully loved.  I’m not one who believes people are born to be together.  For me it’s better to be wanted than needed.  I’ll take that any day of the week.  I choose him and he chooses me.

Ruth&TheBrit

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35 thoughts on “Let Me Tell You a Secret

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  3. Lovely story Ruth! And a great picture – bonus! You both look very happy. 🙂

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  4. You are very fortunate, Ruth. I’ve not been lucky in the love area. Can’t seem to find a man who is comfortable with me having more than two brain cells, nor one who doesn’t go into default after the honeymoon is over and attempt to rule over me.

    But I’m hopeful. 😉

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  5. I should also mention — what a lovely tribute to your best friend. That says a lot about you, too.

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  6. Got an uneasy feeling when I said “I’m hopeful”. I should mention that I am OK with being single. I get to be ‘me’. Huge bonus. You are fortunate because you get to be you, your authentic self with another, and your partner does not have the opinion that you were created for him, as noted in the Bible.

    I think living in the South makes is difficult to find compatibility; someone like-minded, and someone who won’t take advantage of my care giving nature. But I want to be a lover, not turned into a mother. 😉

    I think it’s beautiful when two people nurture and respect each other. My mother and step-father have been married for over 35 years, and that has been the catalyst to their successful partnership.

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    • “But I’m hopeful….Got an uneasy feeling when I said “I’m hopeful”. I should mention that I am OK with being single.”

      I understood exactly what you meant. Had I not met someone who I could be completely myself with(that certainly doesn’t mean we don’t make compromises), I would be single. I’m comfortable, for the first time in my life, in my own skin. I don’t believe that I was made to be someone’s ‘help meet’ and that I’m flawed or not fulfilling my purpose if I were to be single. I didn’t take him to raise.

      On the other hand, I don’t think he was created to protect me, rule over me, tell me what to do, or provide for me. We complement each other, but only in the sense that we work together – not because I have a certain role and he has a certain role. In fact, sometimes, those traditional roles get completely flipped in our relationship. So what? It works.

      You’re right about living in the South making that difficult. Southern women(not all of them, of course) have this tendency to raise a bunch of mama’s boys who really just want a wife to cook, clean and do laundry – not have an opinion. While the way a man treats his mother says a lot about him, that kind of relationship is…well…creepy.

      The Brit and I talked at length before hand what our expectations were in a relationship and we both agreed we wanted a partnership, one of equal and mutual respect.

      I do count myself very fortunate to have found in The Brit someone who didn’t have preconceived, traditional, role expectations in a partner.

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      • Well said Ruth. Unlike how my persona may come across in debate, I think that compromise is necessary for a successful relationship, but the compromise has to come from both. I am a strong woman — but I am also gentle.

        I’m probably sharing more than I should (you do that to me, woman) 😀 After my partner died, I didn’t get married for a long time because — well — the circumstances of my partner’s death took a long time for me to get over. Thankfully, I was cognitive enough to know that it would be unwise to get into a relationship without closing the chapter of my past time. Plus, I really needed to focus on raising my child who needed my full attention as a single parent. I did remarry some years later and was married for several years.

        However, at the time I got married, I was still a Christian, and fell into that trap of submission. That’s so hard to admit. I went through my deconversion while I was married, and when the light bulb finally came on, I realized how degrading it was to be married with the expectations my partner put on me. The more I tried to have a voice, the more my partner tried to suppress it. When I completely broke away from Christianity, he told me we were unequally yoked. So, I solved that — I asked for a divorce. It wasn’t a bitter divorce. We simply parted ways. I tried to put myself in his shoes. I was no longer the woman he married. I was a human being.

        I’m not into the online dating scene, and never have been. How did you two meet?

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        • We did meet online, but not on a dating site.

          I wrote about it here:

          http://wp.me/p255yB-3q

          Reader’s digest version is we met playing an interactive game online. I’m not really a gamer, but when I decided to divorce my husband I became somewhat reclusive.

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  7. Great story, Ruth. Before you even mentioned the Brit — or from reading how you met, I thought he looked like he was from the UK. You and I have similar opinions. You said:

    “I had no interest in going out to bars and partying.”

    Same here. Don’t get me wrong — I love having fun, and have no issues with moderate drinking, but going to bars and parties where alcohol consumption affects behavior and judgement, is not something I find appealing. I will also say that my sister, who is a married, was out with friends in a popular restaurant, and twice, on two separate occasions, someone slipped a date-rape drug in her drink.

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    • Thanks, Victoria.

      I’m not very comfortable in large crowds. I love music and I love to dance, but I’m very uncomfortable in situations where I might receive unsolicited attention – especially if the attention is coming from someone whose judgement and behavior is impaired. Part of that may be due to the fact that when I was married the first time any unsolicited attention was suddenly became “you’re having an affair”. The bigger part, though, is I don’t know how to react to that. I’m sometimes very socially inept. 😦

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      • “I’m sometimes very socially inept.”

        Well, that has definitely worked to your advantage. No doubt you were better off not putting yourself in harm’s way. I don’t like large crowds either, and tend to be a homebody. I enjoy small dinner parties, and like you, I love music and dancing. I do a lot of dancing around the house, iPod in tow. 😀

        I tend to take in a lot from my environment — more than the average person, I think — so that requires downtime.

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        • “I tend to take in a lot from my environment — more than the average person, I think — so that requires downtime.”

          I think that’s one of the things about being an introvert. I’m very happy spending time alone. I know people who can’t stand being alone with themselves. I love a good dinner party but after I’ve been at a dinner party or been in a large crowd I’m very worn down. Although I enjoy the company of others I have to have time to recharge.

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    • I also have no issues with moderate drinking. I, myself, love a good glass of wine but I don’t like to feel impaired. That’s not a good feeling to me. I like to be in control of my situation.

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  11. Beautiful. (((hugs))) for you both ❤

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  15. Great story, Ruth ! Thanks for sharing !

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  16. Great story and well written.
    Hi five to both of you and you two look lovely

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  17. This is such a beautiful post!! Thank you so much for sharing it Ruth. I can totally relate. I am also quite a bit introverted. I’ve been married to my very best friend for 12 years now and it is a great feeling!

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  19. You nailed it here: To be fully known and loved anyway is to be fully loved.

    Many people are afraid, or at least very uncomfortable, to be fully known. Good post.

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    • Thanks!

      People’s foibles are frightening to themselves. They think if it frightens them then surely it will scare off anyone else if they told it.

      Turns out though, our mistakes/imperfections/dark thoughts(unless they’re sociopaths) aren’t like to be as frightening to other people as we think they are. In fact they can make us seem more endearing. Somehow it makes us seem more human.

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