Out From Under the Umbrella

playing in the rain

IPV: Adjust Your Sails



I wanted to end this series on a positive note.  It’s hard to do that with a topic which is the source of so much pain.  It’s depressing, frankly.  I thought about doing a post about making a safety plan if you intend to stick it out, a strategy for coping with ongoing abuse, and an exit plan if you want to leave.  But those have all been done before.  I’ll leave some links if you need them.

There are just really are some things I want to say to you if you find yourself in a toxic relationship of any kind.  Whether it’s physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or spiritual abuse the result is devastating.  It erodes self-esteem.  It corrodes hearts.

It is not your fault.  No matter how many times you’ve heard, ‘if only you wouldn’t…make me so angry, or make me worry, or be so selfish, or be so stupid [insert your own].

Embed this in your memory.  Affirm yourself even if no one else does.  Know this:

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Kathryn Stockett, The Help

You are important. You are valuable.  You are irreplaceable. You are priceless.  And because you may have forgotten I want to tell you:

You are beautiful.

You are beautiful.
You are beautiful.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Listen, I do not know you.  But I am you.  You are not alone.  Things can get better.  Nothing will change unless you do.  You can do it!  Learn to trust yourself again.

If you need help or just someone to talk to you can email me at deconstructingmyselfdma@gmail.com





October is domestic violence awareness month

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

11 thoughts on “IPV: Adjust Your Sails

  1. You have done a great service to many by sharing your story Ruth.
    I must say I am happy for you and especially that you managed to get out and write about it.


  2. The best message of all, Ruth – “It’s not your fault” (on par with, “I believe you”) – affirming, empowering, and important. You ROCK!! 🙂


    • The worst thing in the world you can do to someone who is experiencing or has experienced abuse is to behave skeptically or, worse, blame them. That’s not to say I don’t recognize there are some false claims made but your friends should support you and affirm you. She needs confirmation and affirmation. Without that she may never have the confidence she needs to confront the problem.



  3. A helpful series Ruth. Well done. ❤


  4. Thought I’d try to comment again today and it’s totally clear and working. Bizarre. I could only write a sentence or two and then it fell off the page and there was no post comment. Tomorrow is another day and all that and so it was. Back on topic, luckily tomorrow was finally another day for you too. As others have said you’ve dealt with a sensitive and difficult topic very well, not overly introspective or too distant, it struck just the right balance.


    • I changed themes again. It’s a shame, really, because I really like that theme for it’s clean lines but this one is equally clean. The one I had switched to originally was a rather new one so possibly just a glitch they haven’t worked out yet.

      Thank you for the kind words. It was my intention not to make these all about me. I try not to live in my past because my life is so much better now, but I also need to honor it. I didn’t want these to be too gender specific either. I do recognize there are many men who are caught in abusive relationships. It may be even more difficult for them to acknowledge it given the gender expectations.


  5. That woman has such a magical voice! This is such a wonderful and inspiring post Ruth and I hope the women out there who are living like this, read this and realise that they have every right to be respected, loved and cared for. Not all women are strong enough to walk away and that’s why the strong one should be there for them.

    Beautiful post and share hon. Have a lovely day! 😀 ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • Somehow I missed your comment, Sonel.

      Thank you so much. I know that many of the women who stay don’t stay because they are weak, but because they are strong and because they have a hope that things will change. Unfortunately statistics just don’t bear that out. Once I got it in my thick head that rarely do abusers change and I was unlikely to be the exception to that it made my decision easier. But truth be told, stay or go, I think the people who endure this are strong. it is just a matter of where they choose to direct their strength. The ones, like me, who have walked away decided our strength was better served in surviving rather than enduring.

      Hugs, hun! Thank you for reading. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, from my point of view I don’t know why they hope anything will change, especially when their partner is abusive and an alcoholic. My father was and my mother took us and left him. He married again and my stepmother decided to stick it out. She tried to change him. Maybe she thought she could get something right that my mother couldn’t and was she wrong! You can’t change other people. You may be able to change their way of thinking, but only if they decide to. Because of her staying, my two stepbrothers had a hard life and I don’t think it was fair to them. I won’t stay in an abusive relationship. I will end up in jail yes, for directing my strength in the direction of killing the bastard. No woman should ever stay with an abusive partner or choose to.

        No problem at all hon. I am used to be overlooked. Now I will go and sulk in my little corner. *sob* *sniff* *sob*

        😆 ❤


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