Out From Under the Umbrella

playing in the rain

God Does His Child a Solid

65 Comments

From my Facebook files:

I truly have favor with God!!! I need a new refrigerator for the house that I am moving to next month……Home Depot now has the $1700 refrigerator I wanted on sale for $998!!! It appears Samsung is trying to penetrate the market!!! If you guys need or know of anyone in need, spread the word!!! The sale ends July 15th. Thank you Jesus!!!!!

Marilyn Mitchell McCluskey's photo.
Marilyn Mitchell McCluskey's photo.
Marilyn Mitchell McCluskey's photo.
Marilyn Mitchell McCluskey's photo.
Dear facebook friend,
I’m so glad God saw to it that The Home Depot had a sale on for the exact refrigerator you wanted for your dream home in the mountains. It is a miracle. Surely you have garnered more favor than those faithful believers who don’t have enough money for their rent, or medications, or food. And it is likely that God’s provision for you will become the good fortune of another as they turn the box into a home.
God is good.  All the time.
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65 thoughts on “God Does His Child a Solid

  1. God moves in mysteriously chilling ways. o_O

    Liked by 4 people

    • He’s cool like that. 😕

      Liked by 3 people

      • According to the biblical account, Samsung was given supernatural strength by God in order to combat his enemies and perform heroic feats such as killing a lion, slaying an entire army with only the jawbone of an ass, and destroying a pagan temple. Samsung had two vulnerabilities, however: his attraction to untrustworthy women and his hair, without which he was powerless. These vulnerabilities ultimately proved fatal for him, though not before his opening of a supply channel to Home Depot.

        Liked by 4 people

  2. What a busy deity! So much to attend to for the worthy.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Letting Jesus into your heart is very much like a refrigerator. It keeps your soul fresh for longer so it doesn’t spoil. Personally I’m not sure why someone would pray for a refrigerator to be on sale when you could pray for God just to keep your food cold while it sits in some sort of shelf and save yourself the $1000 dollars. I mean why 50% off when you can have 100% off? And if you are one of the faithful whose prayers are going to be answered, maybe you should start setting your sights a little higher than appliance sales at the Home Depot. LOL

    Liked by 7 people

    • I agree, Swarn. If you have favor with The Big Chill you might as well go all in, right? Wasn’t The Home Depot going to have that sale whether it was the fridge she wanted or not? *shrug*

      Liked by 2 people

      • No, because you see home depot as a corporation prayed the fridge would sell at regular price to maximize profit. God favored your Facebook friend more and forced home depot into a situation where they had to sell their excess fridges at a reduced cost. The price is so crazy good that unfortunately a few people who prayed for this fridge to be on sale will not get to the store in time and the fridge will be sold out. God will be punishing those people whose prayers he answered for being apathetic and not rushing to the store right away. “And God spoke to Cain and said ‘you have greatly offended me for you have not taken of the bounty I have offered. For this your milk will spoileth, your deli meats will grow putrid and foul as corpses, and your vegetables moldeth and you shall pickle them not. You shall have to boil them down to to a mash to gain nourishment and vegetables will be a curse to you and your sons until the end of days.’ This God spake and Cain looked to the heavens in anger while his harvest decayed.” Pretty sure that’s in the Bible. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

        • Now this is really getting tricky! The Home Depot is run by a Christian who has thrown his support(and dollars) behind the anti-LGBT campaign. Tsk, tsk, tsk…God’s playing favorites again, even between his own beloved! Surely he would want Home Despot to make lots and lots and lots of moolah so that they can support even more of his causes.

          Liked by 2 people

          • That’s disgusting. I didn’t know that.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I just did some googling and realize that my information may not be accurate. Several years back they were in the news regarding an anti-LGBT stance but that has since changed. They are very pro-LGBT now. The AFA has a boycott against them because of it. So I guess they are bringing destruction upon themselves, just like Swarn said.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah but you see despite the CEO’s support, all the money has corrupted him and he cavorts with both male and female prostitutes, approaching them by saying “Hey I’m the CEO of home depot and I can give you a great deal on my lumber”, thus offending God. Meanwhile the person who prayed for a great deal on a refrigerator and holds the sanctity of marriage between man and woman so dear that this purity must be rewarded…with a great refrigerator that serves water so filtered and pure it would refresh God himself.

            Like

          • Like I just told Victoria, apparently the CEO of The Home Depot has changed his stance and policy regarding the LGBT community and The Home Depot dedicated to their support. I’m sure since that is the case that this “fire sale” they are having must be because they are being punished by God for their corruption. Lumber and all.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. A shining example of Idiocracy .

    “Narrator: As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

    ——————————-

    Genesis 1:28 “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.”

    ——————————

    We are fucked.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. As Victoria said. LOL.

    I read something this week. Thank God for guiding us to the right doctor to help with our relative’s diagnosis/cure etc.

    I’ve worked with cancer and there sure aren’t no signposts. Although in terms of choice of surgeons I could have suggested the ones with a record for the least peri-op infection …

    Anyway, why do they need such an expensive greedy consumerist fridge? Don’t they know some people can’t even eat?

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’d have sent a picture of a kid struggling through chemotherapy due to childhood cancer with the caption, “Cool story, bro. Now I know why He wasn’t out curing my cancer.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • I usually just skip right over the posts at the first mention of the Good Lard. I really don’t like to argue, and most especially over social media. Anything I might have said would have gone in the direction you are suggesting and it would likely not have been pretty. Not to mention I’m on facebook as myself, so I’d be outing myself, too.

      So when I do read one of those posts and it makes my head want to blow up I just come here and write snarky comments about it. :mrgreen:

      Liked by 2 people

      • Ahh, gotcha.

        A more productive thing you can do instead is suggest that she donate the difference between the original price and the sale price to children’s hospitals, then. After all, she’s been blessed by the Lawd Jeezis for a reason. Might as well put that blessing to some practical use. And make sure all her friends see your suggestion too.

        How weird is it that guilt is more acceptable in social interactions than honesty?

        Liked by 1 person

  7. He must not love his child too much, it’s a Samsung. It could be worse though, a GE fridge. Those POSs are poorly made and LOUD.

    I remember a former fellow Bible school friend of mine whining about her Mother’s Day. She posted on Facebook that all she EVER wanted was a 9″ by 13″ Pyrex glass pan. After she lamented to all her “friends” someone gave her one. She then turned her sorrow into joy by posting how God is so good and heard her cry.

    Your story and mine are just a couple of examples of American Christianity seen daily on social media. Even while I was still a Christian I couldn’t handle the utter bull shit and shut down my Facebook account five years ago.

    More power to my non believing friends on FB. I have no idea how you all keep your sanity in the midst of such mindless dribble.

    Nice to know that god’s too busy blessing his American kids with kitchen supplies while children all over the world are hungry, dirty, raped, sold into prostitution and forced into becoming rebel soldiers.

    Pretension + denial=stupidity

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ha! It was just the one she wanted!

      “Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts…” Romans 1:24

      Oh..wait. Wrong one.

      “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ” Psalm 37:4

      There, that’s better. He’ll even put them on sale for you. Wait…she still had to pay for it. Damn, you, sky daddy! *shakes fist in the air*

      Yes, American consumerism + faith in God = unbelievable narcissism.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, and with all the confederate flag nonsense being posted to boot? I’ve seriously considered closing my facebook account. If it weren’t for keeping up with people from my past life who I don’t have much contact with anymore I’d have done it long ago.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Also, can someone, anyone explain the attraction to these expensive ass French Door refrigerators? I don’t think I want to have to stand on my head to see what’s in the bottom of that monstrosity!

      Like

      • Actually I thought – no joke – expensive double door fridges were called American refrigerators.

        Like

        • Ha! This ain’t even a double door fridge. It’s a triple door fridge and they’re all the rage here now. Why I do not know. For my use they’re completely impractical and I can’t figure a practical use for love nor money. Especially not at that price! TheBrit and I were walking through a local big box store here and they had loads if them. Way overrated.

          Like

  8. When I read that, I was wondering if s/he was thanking Jesus for Samsung trying to penetrate the market or for her/his ability to finally buy the fridge on a sale? I am confused.

    Like

  9. If the price of that refrigerator had gone up God would still be good, why? Because God would be challenging her so her character could be built up. There is no scenario where God is not good because God is by definition good, simple and plain. God can command you to kill your son, he can command you to kill off an entire race including babies and toddlers, he can even decide to torture some of his creation for eternity – no matter what he’s still good, because people wrote it, and that’s that. In fact since we all deserve to be tortured for eternity, if he decides in the end to torture all of us he’s still good. And they wonder why we doubt their worldview?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Well, exactly. God is good all the time. All the time God is good. Why? Because anything he decides to do is good. If is seems malevolent to us it’s only because we don’t understand his goodness. He is good because he is good. If he decides to wipe out an entire population with a flood it is only because his goodness cannot stand for our wretchedness. Praise be to he who punishes the wicked for being the way he made them.

      What? What’s that noise, you ask? It’s the sound of my eyeballs hitting the floor after they’re rolled out of my head.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. “God moves in extremely mysterious, not to say, circuitous ways. God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players*, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

    Footnote to above: “* ie., everybody.”

    from Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

    Like

    • He’s schizophrenic. Just as each of us has the capacity for both good and bad, we were made in his image. His good side is a fatherly figure who rains refrigerators down on those he loves. His bad side is Satan, who seeks to kill and destroy.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That actually showed up in the DC Comics Universe at one point — in Hellblazer, I think. The theory was that Satan was actually God’s conscience, that little voice that tells you when you’re doing something wrong, or when you’re not doing something that you should be doing… only, being God, when He got tired of hearing it, he pulled it out of His head and banished it.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. The needy apparently don’t need as much and, therefore, don’t get as much. The Lawd will provide. I think the Lawd is one mean SOB.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ok omg, this cracked me up!!!!!!!! No way in hell would I ever tell people I prayed for a damn fridge. Cuz basically, God gave her a fridge while someone else’s child just died from cancer.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yeah, I’m thinking she didn’t stop to think about how, in the words of Rajesh Koothrappali, ridonculous this sounded before she typed it out. If there’s anything as disgusting as the notion of hell it’s this hellish concept of the prosperity gospel.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I’d like to see how many shares this god has in Samsung. Love this. Very funny.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. You ought to watch the NBA draft right now, Ruth. It’s like one dragged out Church service. Everybody’s thanking god and giving “honor” to him.

    I didn’t know god was a struggling parent, school teacher/counselor, coach or physical trainer, did you? I haven’t really heard much gratitude geared towards those men and women.

    It’s a crying shame.

    Liked by 2 people

    • No. Just…no.

      Why are you watching this? Is someone holding you hostage? Are you okay? Do we need to call the authorities for you?

      Liked by 2 people

      • Sorry, Ruth, I just now saw your comment….

        Yeah, husbands….. Well, you know how it is with a man around.

        Sometimes I feel as though I need a soccer goal around my body or a basketball hoop on my forehead to get on the same page as the dude.

        At least we have each other. That’s more than what some people have. 😉

        Like

  15. Well said Ruth. People like that makes me cringe and if they dare post something like that on my FB, they’re blocked immediately. You’re right, this god of them is a total ass!

    Liked by 2 people

  16. OMG that made me laugh. Thanks for the smile. As long as they have their brand new refrigerator, God must be doing something right. Praise Jesus.

    Liked by 3 people

  17. lol, thanks for the laugh ruth, I had no idea you were so funny. this is the first time I have visited your blog.
    I just returned from a funeral of a relative that was preacher. while at the cemetery, I was standing next to a tombstone with the inscription,
    “mary lambert, child of god, so many high hope, so many disappointments”.
    while everyone was praying and sharing heir stories of how great god is, I couldn’t stop wondering, what was the cause of mary lamberts many disappointments.
    now I know, she paid “retail”

    Liked by 2 people

    • LOL! I’m hilarious. H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. When I’m not being serious, that is. I’m a regular laugh riot!

      What an epitaph. Geez, that could be taken a couple of ways. Did they have high hopes for her but she was a disappointment? Dang, most people speak well of you after you die. Even if you were an S.O.B.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I think it best to respond to this with a joke:

    As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs. He prays “Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!! “You don’t have to shout dear”, says the mother “God’s not deaf.” “I know” said the little boy, “but grandma is.”

    Like

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