Out From Under the Umbrella

playing in the rain

No Babies for Ruth Part II

27 Comments

Not long after that Samantha and her boyfriend announced they were expecting.  It was like a punch in the stomach to Ruth.  They weren’t even married, and didn’t even know if they’d be getting married.  Once Carmen was born Charles said he hoped Mack would just move on down the road and let him raise Carmen. What?  Come again.  He couldn’t wait until Carmen got old enough to take with us to Savannah.  Huh?  Ouch.  Ruth waited until an opportune moment to talk to Charles about it.  “These are the very reasons you told me you didn’t want a child.  You didn’t want the responsibility.” “Yes”, Charles said, “but Carmen is already here and I already like her.”  Ruth understood some of that sentiment, but it hurt just the same.   It changed nothing.  She knew she could never have children with Charles now even if he said he wanted to.  She didn’t know what she would do if he ever put his hands on their child the way he had her.  What was the point of the discussion?  Maybe just to let Charles know that he was being insensitive.

Ruth continued to pray, and to try to put it behind her.  She asked Charles to consider getting a vasectomy. “What?  You want me to do what?!?  There’s no way I’m letting anyone snip around my man parts!”  This wasn’t some ridiculous request to try to get even or out of spite.  Ruth really wanted to put it behind her.  She didn’t feel she should have to be responsible for the birth control when it wasn’t her who wanted to control it.  It wasn’t that she couldn’t be trusted to do it.  It was that taking that pill was a daily reminder of what she couldn’t have – what she’d never have.

When Ruth had finally had enough, and the fairy tale was shattered, Charles offered to have a child with her.  “I’ve been selfish, we’ll have a baby.”  Ruth couldn’t even think about that now.  The reasons she was done had little to do with having or not having a baby.  “Do you think that’s what this is about?  Do you think having a baby is going to fix this?  You’ve made it perfectly clear you don’t want a child with me.  How could I possibly do that now?”  During all of their discussions of what had gone wrong in their marriage Ruth had never once brought up having a child.  This was just one more way she knew that this was done.  Charles was only dangling a carrot in front of her.  He no more wanted a child with her now than he ever had.

You see by this point Ruth knew that praying wasn’t solving anything.  She’d relied on God and his word and his rules for living and where had it gotten her?  Nowhere.  She’d been the submissive, giving, supportive, loving wife.  She’d been obedient to God and his word.  Ruth looked for God’s hand in this anyplace she thought she might be able to find it – in the little things.  Any small kindness she was offered, any tiny good thing she was given.  But at some point she decided God wasn’t interested in parking spaces and traffic lights.  She’s seen the world around her.  Some people call it brokenness, the result of sin and fallen man.  Ruth just thinks this is the way it is and maybe it’s time we grow up and stop blaming “sin” and “fallen man” and realize that.  Maybe it’s time we stop waiting on a miracle to fix it.

She enjoyed and still does enjoy a fantastic relationship with Carmen.  Ruth is her D’Ma.  Carmen is five now.  They have sleepovers and do manis and pedis.  They dig in the dirt together.  She has a sister now, too.  Alison.  The relationship with Sam is a little strained, but at least Sam hasn’t cut her out completely.  It would be easy enough to do.  

Ruth hasn’t given up totally on the idea of having children herself.   New possibilities are open to her now.  Where she once thought it impossible, she can see it as probable.  Truly the world is her oyster.  With the thoughts of the past behind her, she can see a bright new future.  One filled with love and laughter and the family she always thought she’d have.

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27 thoughts on “No Babies for Ruth Part II

  1. Hard yes, however, you keep moving with strength and courage through it and beyond. You end this post on a positive note and again, you bring a smile to my face. Great writing! 🙂

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  2. I don't think I have anything particularly insightful to add, so I'll just second Zoe's comment and offer sympathies and hugs.

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  3. Second what Zoe, as said, D'Ma. Best wishes to you.

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  4. Thank you, Zoe. At the end of it all I could just wallow in self pity and shrink back in depression or I could look forward and pull myself up out of this pile of rubble. I'll choose the latter any day. It was just time to stop waiting on a divine fix, time to stop using my crutch and stand up on my own. Thanks for reading along. 🙂

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  5. Not really much to say. Thanks for the hugs. I feel much better just having gotten it all out. This may not even be the last in the series. I'm sure something else will come along and trigger a memory. Thankfully that's all these are now. Doesn't hurt to glance in the rear view mirror every now and again to remind yourself why you are where you are. I won't linger there. 🙂

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  6. Thank you, Becky.

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  7. Had some concern about you because of your location and the recent storms. Good to see, by the time of your response here, that you are still with us and kicking against the goads. Second what the others say about the post. Nice to see where D'Ma came from.

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  8. Thankfully I'm on the eastern edge of the storms. They're coming through here in bands of thunderstorms, but so far the worst of it has been to the west of here. I'm about an hour due north of Tallahassee, Fl. I'm a little concerned about The Wise Fool. I think he's from Decatur, AL. Hope everything's okay with his family.

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  9. D'Ma- sounds like you are an excellent mom to Samantha, Carmen and will be to whoever else you decide to bring in to your family!

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  10. Thank you prairie nymph. I do love them very much and have certainly tried to be what they've needed. Can't wait to see what life has in store for me now.

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  11. Are you guys having trouble leaving comments?

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  12. Nope. All is copacetic. I do know that if I write a comment and am not logged in to discus, it gets lost when I log in, so I stay logged in at all times. Also, if you paste in something a bit long, you can't see all of it. But that is easily remedied by clicking the 'image' icon at the lower left of the window you are using to comment.

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  13. "But at some point she decided God wasn't interested in parking spaces and traffic lights."I just love this line, having once been in those parking spaces and stopped at those traffic lights. Lovely post and no doubt the future is filled with love, light, and endless possibilities.

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  14. I've been told the reason God didn't intervene in my marriage is because he doesn't impinge on free will. I came to the conclusion he wasn't impinging on the free will of another to take the close parking space or the set schedule of the traffic lights either. What petty things for God to be concerned with when there are much bigger issues to tackle. I don't think God, if there is one, is intervening in any meaningful way. That's not me being negative. That's me taking the bull by the horns and sorting my life out for myself the way it's meant to be.

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  15. Thanks exrelayman!

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  16. I was sick when this posts were written and I am just now getting the chance to go back and read through them. No words of wisdom for you just happy you are finding you.hugs to you.

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  17. I'm glad you're feeling better. Thanks for the encouragement and the hugs. 🙂

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  18. Hello Ruth,

    I just wanted you to know that I read most of your back story at the beginning of the year.

    You really amaze me. So many women go through what you have and they dwindle down to nothing after two decades of hideous abuse. You did the very opposite and had the courage to leave that horrible being!

    I think you’re absolutely phenomenal and I wish you all the best with your new husband in this new year in front of us.

    I just want you to know that I no longer blog. There’s just an awful lot that I need to work on regarding my marriage and my health. I just want to say thank you for your kindness. It helps that you’ve been on the same side of faith that I had been. I have appreciated your insights through the deconversion process. I also wanted you to know that we have lived near each other. I spent years in southwest Georgia and northwest Florida and could relate to some of your descriptions about your childhood. Currently, I live in west Tennessee and I’m realistic about the possibility of never having local friends again. It’s the way it is here for an atheist, especially as a woman.

    Thanks for your blog. I intend to continue to visit, I just don’t know when I’ll be by again.

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    • I will miss your blogging. I hope that this is a positive thing, though, and not a setback for you.

      Thank you for your kind words. I don’t know, I never viewed anything I’ve done as amazing. It was the only think I knew how to do. It was the only way I could survive. I’ve gone beyond survival mode now and, thankfully, for the first time in a long time, feel that I’m thriving. I’m becoming who I ought to have been and not what some book or person told me I should be.

      Please do come by and hang out when you feel you need a friend. I know, here in the deep south, it can get kind of lonely.

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  19. You are one hell of a woman Ruth.

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    • Thank you roughseas. This brought a tear to my eyes, in a good way.

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      • Thank you Ruth, I’m on a roll today! Victoria has also said she liked one of my comments over on Clouds.

        I stopped commenting on all of yours, and just decided to bite the bullet and read right through. What a lot of years spent in a difficult relationship. I really feel for you.

        I’m going to be writing about self-publishing over on roughseas shortly. You may seriously want to consider it. I found yours a very powerful story.

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  20. Where she once thought it impossible, she can see it as probable.

    Wow, I was thinking that because of this post’s title, Charles or something had made you incapable (medically?) from having children. This was a relief when no such event took place. 🙂

    Quite a story Ruth, and one that could/will benefit SO MANY OTHER WOMEN in similar or exact family situations and abusive marriages! You are MORE than a friggin trooper! 😀

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    • Well, it still hasn’t happened which I wax and wane sad about. I know there is more to life than having children but I do so want them. There are days I’m more optimistic about it than others.

      Quite a story Ruth, and one that could/will benefit SO MANY OTHER WOMEN in similar or exact family situations and abusive marriages! You are MORE than a friggin trooper!

      Thanks for saying so, but I see myself as a survivor. This all seems like a bad dream now. I’m not the person I was at all.

      Liked by 1 person

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