Relationships are Two-Way Streets

August 18, 2011 by Ruth 6 Comments

I tried really hard to keep some relationships going after my divorce, and for a while it seemed possible.  Having raised Samantha I thought she’d want that, too.  It’s proven harder than I ever imagined.  I don’t think she’s getting pressure from Charles’ family not to keep a relationship with me. It’s become apparent that it’s more uncomfortable or awkward for her than it is worth it to keep it going. 

Her relationship with both of her parents has always been tenuous, at best.  They’re, frankly, exhausting.  They require a lot of her.  In order to maintain a relationship with her dad she has to be grateful enough for the life he gave up for her.  She, for lack of better terminology, has to kiss ass to keep it up.  The head games were not reserved just for me.  In order to maintain a relationship with her mother she has to be able to put up with late-night incoherent drug induced phone calls.  She has to make decisions about whether to commit her mother to drug treatment centers when she gets suicidal.  She has to forgive. A LOT.  Her mother has stolen her identity and nearly wrecked her credit.  At her wedding her mother stole about twenty-five hundred dollars worth of checks, cash and gift cards.  It’s really bad. But she somehow does it.

Maybe she’s got nothing left to give.  I’m not sure what it is.  Maybe she expected more from me so the disappointment is so great she can’t forgive.  I had hoped that time would heal the wound.  The strain in our relationship since my divorce from her dad has gone from distant to non-existent.  I feel like I’m pushing myself on her.  I don’t want to do anything but love her like I always have.  Sometimes loving a person requires knowing when to let go.  It’s not love if I only cause discomfort or pain. Relationships are two-way streets.  Traveling one-way feels forced. You can’t force love.   One-sided relationships are near impossible to keep up, at least when you come to the realization that that’s what you have. 

I was reminded by my iFriend, Harvey, that “Unfortunately, it appears that in situations like this one, as sometimes
happens in divorce, the friends and family who are not directly
involved reveal that you were only “valuable” to them in your capacity
as an extension of the other individual…”   I continue to be optimistic that time does heal wounds and that Samantha may eventually come around.  But I have to be prepared for the possibility that she may not.  Either way the fact that I chose to divorce her dad means our relationship will be different.

I’ll close with a link to Micheal Mock’s recent post at Mock Ramblings because we all need a reminder sometimes that Love is Actions.